cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
