Whod you bang
I just pynch a tree in the face
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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