take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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