Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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