I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize