I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
