you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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