They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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