worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize