when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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