i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
