we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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