Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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