just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
