I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
