Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
