watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
