I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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