Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
