well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
