A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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