Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
