she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
