we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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