and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
