Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
