Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
