i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
