it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize