u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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