So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
