it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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