Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
