I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
