I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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