I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
