plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
