Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Randomize
