btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
