not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
