Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
