i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I am available for nakedness
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
