ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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