Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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