I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
