She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
