I accidentally burped into my bong.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
