Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
