Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
