where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
