Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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