Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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