When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize