i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
